Tales of an Insomniac, Part 1

God, why can't I sleep.

I'm on the Pursuit of Happyness

Are happiness and desire mutually exclusive?

Let's say that happiness (as a state of mind) represents your satisfaction with your current situation. If you're not getting what you want, your desire is greater, and you're not happy about it. But then once you get exactly what you want (or more), then you're perfectly happy, and there's nothing more that you desire.

So if you're an ambitious or demanding person, there's obviously a lot of things that you want, out of life and from yourself. Does that make you doomed to dissatisfaction? Why is it so hard to, as the saying goes, have your cake and eat it too?

Dating should not involve detective work.

Great time Saturday night! After a marathon study sesh at Mozarts (first time there!), I ran around grabbing stuff for my costume, found out we lost to Baylor (what the hell? who loses to Baylor?? We do, apparently), and went party hopping with Dani.

Sunday was super unproductive. Woke up at 10:30, tried (unsuccessfully) for an hour to install the new flush mounts on my bike, and ended up studying with Kathleen at Starbucks (also unsuccessfully - mostly). Crashed at home for an hour and a half, study failed at McCombs, and babysat for the rest of the night. The folks I baby-sat for didn't even bother showing up until an hour after when they said they would. At least their cats were nice. I didn't get any work done there either... I might as well have been refreshing Facebook repeatedly for 6 hours.

Doing 100 down Mopac in the dead of night is always fun.

Gravity

Wednesday was a pretty awesome day :]

Then Thursday hit. The gravity of the situation I've long been in finally sunk in. Thank God for beer pong and good friends.

Today's been pretty straightforward. Basketball and studying and more studying. (never mind the flaming Dr. Pepper and Patron shots)

Where am I going?

outofcontext

21st birthdays are always fun.

When I'm zoned, I'm feeling alright, I'm feeling alright....

...he's on the move, can't seem to shake the shade.

Focus.

I'm back in the weight room, baby!

Damned funnel cake.

My baby's back!

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

I wanna know your name.

All the crazy shit I did tonight, those will be the best memories.

"The virtue lies not in the prize but in the struggle."

Full Circle

I never thought this day would come, but here it is.

I gave my car to my family today.

Big whoop, right? I mean, I've been talking about this for the past year like just any other day: "But don't worry Mom, next year I'm moving back to West Campus and I want you guys to use the Escape" rolled off my tongue as easily as "Oh hey, I'm going to grab groceries a couple days from today".

Maybe that's because of the person I am though. I never fully consider the consequences of what I mean or say until I'm actually living out the effects. I just wanted my family to have a car to drive that didn't have the fuel efficiency of a tank. I promise things too easily.

Anyway, as I backed out the Escape from the garage for my little brother to drive, it hit me just what it felt like to pass the torch, how much things had come full circle.

See, ever since he got word that I was returning the car to Houston, my little brother had been harassing my mom relentlessly. George had just gotten his driver's license this summer, and was fired up to use the car for all kinds of "chores."

"But Mom! You're always bugging me to get a job. You're always complaining about how you don't have enough time to go run all the errands you want. If I just had the Escape, I could do all those things!"

Totally believable, right? Looking from the other side of the conversation, it's crazy to realize how many false promises people will make to get what they want. And George has no problem getting what he wants from my parents when he wants it.

His first phone? In middle school. I didn't get one until senior year of high school... after years of begging.

His first laptop? I had to stick with old school PC's until I started college. Of course it made perfect sense for him to get one in freshman year of high school.

And let's not forget the driver's license. When he wanted his, my mom didn't skip a beat making sure he got it. It took a whole year for me to get my mom to cave.

Anyway, a little brotherly jealousy out of the way and you get my point. George was getting my car a lot earlier than I did. So it bugged me a bit as I was having sushi with my family at Kyoto tonight.

What bugged me more, though, was that when the conversation turned to college, he seemed weirdly complacent with his plans. As I was telling him about how UT compared to other Texas schools, and asking what kind of college environment he wanted, I realized he was the exact opposite of who I was junior year. Even more, he reminded me a bit too much of myself now. A bit lost, a little confused, but pretty sure things would work themselves out fine. The only difference? I'm almost done with college and wish it would never end... besides the being filthy poor part. The real world scares me.

Fast forward to the beginning of the story. Like I said, I never fully consider the consequences until I'm actually living out the effects. So here I was, backing up the Escape for the last time for a long time, feeling like I was handing over the keys to a 4-years younger version of myself. I looked back on all the great memories I had in that car (as well as the 2+ grand in tickets I've racked up in it), and I realized I haven't been without my car since freshman year of college. Holy cow.

In a lot of ways, this feels like a fresh start. George has his fresh start with the car, now I've got mine without it. No more car troubles... but I still have plenty of work cut out for me.

Besides, I've got a motorcycle. Two wheels are way more fun than four.

I'm not lost... just wandering

It's been a while since I've written in here. One semester, to be exact.

It feels like it's been much longer than a semester, though. It feels like I've opened and closed an entire chapter of my life. So many ups and downs. Stress and relaxation.... happiness and heartbreak.

Writing in this makes me remember all the other times I've kept my thoughts in a journal. That's the cool thing, that you can revisit not just old memories, but old mentalities, more than anything. I remember the old Xanga entries I used to post, some of them for attention, some for myself, and a few out of rash decision. I remember how much of a kid I was then... who am I kidding? Heh, I'm still a kid now, just in a bigger kid's body.

In any case, it's mind-blowing to read through some of the old mentalities I used to have. So carefree, so sidetracked... how did I even get through high school? Must've have been easier than I gave it credit for! Hah!

I feel old. I see all these freshmen and sophomores running around campus and see flashes of my younger self when I talk to them. I see those same flashes in my friends, brothers, and family. Part of me wants to reach out and steer them onto the path away from my mistakes. In the end though, is that my place? Of course not. Sometimes you just gotta let people make their own mistakes, I've learned. I've made enough of my own to learn that life passes you by too quickly to live someone else's for them.

It's so true that you lose yourself in college, that it shatters the image of what you thought you were, and finding yourself amongst the pieces is part of the fun. This past year, especially since I joined a fraternity, I've lost and found myself in so many ways. A lot of it had to do with being around people who weren't afraid to speak their mind and point out things I couldn't see in myself, that I see now. It's like dancing in front of a mirror. You tend to get too caught up in yourself until you see yourself from another person's perspective.

At the same time, I've wasted so much time pretending to be someone I'm not, at times being afraid to say or do something because of what other people think, and worrying endlessly about things that ended up being meaningless and stupid. As horrible and foolish as it sounds, for a while I really didn't know who the hell I was. I lost track of the person I knew I could be just because I wanted to fit a model other people had.

It hit me with a conversation. I spent the first weeks of summer looking for a job in fine dining. What the hell was I doing in fine dining? I had no experience outside Pluckers and the closest thing I had was a summer waiting tables at Landry's. I was more or less pretending my way into the industry. It made for one hell of an interesting resumé.

During my first interview (out of three!) for a server position, the manager, Namath, who told me he had interviewed "thousands" of people before me, told me something I'll never forget:

Him: "So, any questions for me?"

Me: "Well, I know I don't have the most amount of experience in your hiring pool. I really want to learn what you've got to teach me, though. How willing are you guys to cooperate with a person like me?"

Him: "You know, I've hired - and fired - more people than I care to remember. Some had years in fine dining, some I took on with no experience at all. You know what surprises me the most, though? A lot of the ones with no experience... ended up being the ones that made me the proudest. It does not matter so much what your resumé says, attitude is everything. Your resumé shows you have so much work behind you, Jeddy, but your resumé doesn't speak to your greatest asset, which is your personality. In the ten minutes we've spent talking, I can tell you're a warm-hearted, generous, hard-working, honest person, and most of all you're authentic. No matter which direction this interview takes, I'm glad we met."

With the year of negativity and doom-and-gloom I had spent at UT, this last part hit me straight in the chest. It was the last thing I had expected as an answer to my question, and probably what I needed to hear the most.

It's been a while, but I've come around full circle. Granted, I'm still not perfect. I don't know for sure what kind of job I want, or what my plan is for the next few years. I'm not as much of a "people person" as I thought I was. I'm not the most charismatic, the best athlete, the shiniest apple in the bunch, or even the most attractive person in the room (Okay, maybe not the last part! Kidding...) But you know what? I have a helluva lot better idea of who I am now.

"Not all those who wander are lost." -JRR Tolkien