Read an interesting comment today on the Washington Post blog of the 75,000-person crowd Obama drew yesterday in Oregon. It basically sums up my entire view of his campaign.
Obama will help me find a job.
Obama will feed my family.
Obama will bring change.
Obama will bring hope.
Obama will lead me out of the darkness.
Obama will pay my rent.
How? Well he really doesnt say how he will do it but I believe him because he looks like a very nice man. He speaks well. Also he smiled at me and shook my hand at a rally. That's good enough for me.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Summer Limbo
It's only my second day back in Houston and I already feel it. The vacuum. The strangling, suffocating, relentless feeling of "Blah...I really don't feel like doing anything right now." It envelops me like an ominous cloud, a cloud of Houston smog, to be exact, spinning faster and faster, growing larger and to more gargantuan proportions of sloth. Clawing its way through the very essence of my being, threatening to devour me and all exciting, reckless things I stand for. Whispering, like a Siren, temptingly in my ear, that an afternoon spent in bed might not be so bad after all.
Maybe it is something in the air.
In any case, the entire situation bothers me. Summer is suddenly here, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like only yesterday that I was scrambling around my room, frantically throwing everything I could into a luggage case. Only two days ago that I was sleeping in the study lounge with friends, preparing for finals. Only a week ago that I first stepped foot into my Jester dorm. And only two weeks ago that I crossed the stage at graduation. If summer is really here, it should have sent me a memo.
In any case, there's a house to be cleaned, forms to be filled, luggage to be unpacked, jobs to go get, and a mountain of other things to do that seems so tempting to ignore right now. Is this what a vacation feels like? I can't believe I'm saying this, but if that's the case, I can't wait to get back to work.
I feel like not.
Maybe it is something in the air.
In any case, the entire situation bothers me. Summer is suddenly here, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like only yesterday that I was scrambling around my room, frantically throwing everything I could into a luggage case. Only two days ago that I was sleeping in the study lounge with friends, preparing for finals. Only a week ago that I first stepped foot into my Jester dorm. And only two weeks ago that I crossed the stage at graduation. If summer is really here, it should have sent me a memo.
In any case, there's a house to be cleaned, forms to be filled, luggage to be unpacked, jobs to go get, and a mountain of other things to do that seems so tempting to ignore right now. Is this what a vacation feels like? I can't believe I'm saying this, but if that's the case, I can't wait to get back to work.
I feel like not.
Monday, May 12, 2008
My Fortune Faded
6 AM. I spring awake to Lil Jon screaming "Let's Go" as if I had been shocked with a defibrillator. It was time to get back on track for studying Genetics. My final is at 2 PM today (so 2.5 hours from now), and after going to bed at 3 AM my plan was to get as much studying as I could in from then on until the final.
No problem now. I was wide awake. Time to get working.
9 AM. I'm still lying in bed. Huh?! 9 AM??? Where did the time go?
"Oh, FUCK ME," I groan. Face held in my hands, I realized I only had 5 more hours to study instead of 8. My time had been cut almost in half. I was going to fail Genetics now, for sure. I spent a while cursing myself and wondering why couldn't I just get up and stay up like I was supposed to. Why did I have to cut my sleep time short? Why did I cut my study time in half? If I had just gotten up, I would have had a chance.
But then, it hit me. Did I really have that much of a chance? Would 3 more hours really have helped me that much more?
I already knew the answer. I had a snowball's chance in hell that anything at this point would have made any substantial difference.
The truth was, it wasn't my oversleeping 3 hours that brought about all this. It's been my approach and execution of what I did every day of my life this semester, up to this moment. At the beginning of the semester, I thought fall semester had taught me my lesson. I had everything planned out. Yet here I am now, remembering so many wasted days and nights, so many counterproductive hours doing stupid things for no reason whatsoever. So many times I turned down offers to even go out and party, and in the end wasted the night doing nothing. I could have executed studying for Genetics. I could have executed hanging out with friends. Instead, I haven't learned a thing.
Bruce Lee once said, "To spend time is to pass it in a specified manner. To waste time is to expend it thoughtlessly or carelessly. We all have time to spend or waste, and it is our decision what to do with it. But once passed, it is gone forever."
The sum total of your life and its quality amounts to the sum total of all the decisions you have ever made. Over the course of the semester, I decided to put things off. I got nothing. And it's not until now, at the end of the semester, that I realize how small of a total I've built up. I have repeatedly made the choice to compact all my stresses more and more into one apocalyptic time period, to try to make up for that total. While I made the conscious choice "No, I'll just do it later," the real decision I made unconsciously was "Yes, I want pain. I want suffering. I want to fail." I refused to listen to the real message. I have sealed my fate. I have chosen to fail, and I will fail.
A professor of mine also once said to me, "There is no magic to how people succeed. It's only that you do what you set out to do. Give a successful person an hour, and at the end of the hour, the successful person will have something to show you for what they did. An unsuccessful person will take that hour, and at the end have nothing to show for it. Which type of person are you?"
So, it's really no longer that I will fail. Regardless of whatever grade I end up with, the final result is, I have already failed. I failed to learn discipline. I failed to learn daily execution. I failed to build the skills and mindset that sticking with my classes would have taught me. I even failed to party my ass off as hard as I could, whenever I could. I failed to make this semester worthwhile. Over and over, and over again, I have failed where I could have succeeded.
So divine, hell of an elevator
All the while, my fortune faded.
Never mind the consequences of the crime this time,
My fortune's faded.
So, the past is done with. But what about the future? I wish I could say that I will no longer fail. Ease the pain and reassure myself that next semester will be better. After all, I've learned my lesson, right? But right now, what control do I really have over that? Worrying myself and creating anxiety over a future I can't control is suffering. And I've done enough of that.
I like an Albert Einstein quote that reads, "I never worry about the future. It always comes soon enough."
So sure, somewhere in the near future, I plan to straighten myself out, but the truth is that the future comes when it comes. It doesn't matter at all how you plan to do something in the future. Doesn't that sound ridiculous?
But it's true. The fact is, regardless of how much I plan to do something, I haven't done it yet, so I'm still the same person. Only the present matters. That's what Einstein realized, and that's what I have failed to make a part of my life.
The past is dead. The future is unborn. Only the living moment matters.
So, as I try my best to quiet the pit of snakes in my stomach (the butterflies are long gone), all I can do for now is forget the exam is 2 hours away, and my life at present is all about spending each second slowing the bleeding from a wound I've kept open all semester.
I am who I choose to be.
No problem now. I was wide awake. Time to get working.
9 AM. I'm still lying in bed. Huh?! 9 AM??? Where did the time go?
"Oh, FUCK ME," I groan. Face held in my hands, I realized I only had 5 more hours to study instead of 8. My time had been cut almost in half. I was going to fail Genetics now, for sure. I spent a while cursing myself and wondering why couldn't I just get up and stay up like I was supposed to. Why did I have to cut my sleep time short? Why did I cut my study time in half? If I had just gotten up, I would have had a chance.
But then, it hit me. Did I really have that much of a chance? Would 3 more hours really have helped me that much more?
I already knew the answer. I had a snowball's chance in hell that anything at this point would have made any substantial difference.
The truth was, it wasn't my oversleeping 3 hours that brought about all this. It's been my approach and execution of what I did every day of my life this semester, up to this moment. At the beginning of the semester, I thought fall semester had taught me my lesson. I had everything planned out. Yet here I am now, remembering so many wasted days and nights, so many counterproductive hours doing stupid things for no reason whatsoever. So many times I turned down offers to even go out and party, and in the end wasted the night doing nothing. I could have executed studying for Genetics. I could have executed hanging out with friends. Instead, I haven't learned a thing.
Bruce Lee once said, "To spend time is to pass it in a specified manner. To waste time is to expend it thoughtlessly or carelessly. We all have time to spend or waste, and it is our decision what to do with it. But once passed, it is gone forever."
The sum total of your life and its quality amounts to the sum total of all the decisions you have ever made. Over the course of the semester, I decided to put things off. I got nothing. And it's not until now, at the end of the semester, that I realize how small of a total I've built up. I have repeatedly made the choice to compact all my stresses more and more into one apocalyptic time period, to try to make up for that total. While I made the conscious choice "No, I'll just do it later," the real decision I made unconsciously was "Yes, I want pain. I want suffering. I want to fail." I refused to listen to the real message. I have sealed my fate. I have chosen to fail, and I will fail.
A professor of mine also once said to me, "There is no magic to how people succeed. It's only that you do what you set out to do. Give a successful person an hour, and at the end of the hour, the successful person will have something to show you for what they did. An unsuccessful person will take that hour, and at the end have nothing to show for it. Which type of person are you?"
So, it's really no longer that I will fail. Regardless of whatever grade I end up with, the final result is, I have already failed. I failed to learn discipline. I failed to learn daily execution. I failed to build the skills and mindset that sticking with my classes would have taught me. I even failed to party my ass off as hard as I could, whenever I could. I failed to make this semester worthwhile. Over and over, and over again, I have failed where I could have succeeded.
So divine, hell of an elevator
All the while, my fortune faded.
Never mind the consequences of the crime this time,
My fortune's faded.
So, the past is done with. But what about the future? I wish I could say that I will no longer fail. Ease the pain and reassure myself that next semester will be better. After all, I've learned my lesson, right? But right now, what control do I really have over that? Worrying myself and creating anxiety over a future I can't control is suffering. And I've done enough of that.
I like an Albert Einstein quote that reads, "I never worry about the future. It always comes soon enough."
So sure, somewhere in the near future, I plan to straighten myself out, but the truth is that the future comes when it comes. It doesn't matter at all how you plan to do something in the future. Doesn't that sound ridiculous?
But it's true. The fact is, regardless of how much I plan to do something, I haven't done it yet, so I'm still the same person. Only the present matters. That's what Einstein realized, and that's what I have failed to make a part of my life.
The past is dead. The future is unborn. Only the living moment matters.
So, as I try my best to quiet the pit of snakes in my stomach (the butterflies are long gone), all I can do for now is forget the exam is 2 hours away, and my life at present is all about spending each second slowing the bleeding from a wound I've kept open all semester.
I am who I choose to be.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Happy Mother's Day.
I was just sifting through a few sports pages and thought these were pretty interesting, on the topic of mothers and family.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?page=Andersen-080511
An incredible story about Chris Andersen and his mom raising him from backwoods Texas. Apparently, despite her bending over backwards to raise him out of destitution, he rejected her as soon as he entered the NBA, leaving her only with empty promises. Pretty sad.
http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?videoId=3387106&categoryId=2459788
I was not a CP3 fan until I watched this video. I had respect for his fantasy stats, but this changed my mind. His grandpa is murdered the day after he signs with Wake Forest, and the next game he scores 61 points, one for each year his grandpa lived. The intentionally missed foul shot at the end is touching too.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I'm Dead
...Days. FINALS SUCK. And I have four of them. Gross.
Went to a Dulles prom this past weekend. Hate to admit it, but I had a blast. It was much better overall than my own Westside prom last year, but not really because of what they did do. It was more of what they didn't do that made it so much fun. Like not having Deans filter through the dance mass with oversized Fun Police flashlights, separating people who were dancing too close. Or not having the dance floor lights on blaringly bright. Or not hiring DJs who played crap rap-hop beats that even I didn't know. Or not hiring Brazilian strippers that gave us free on-site services.
Just kidding.
But point being, there's just a fine line of people's bullshit I can take before even I have to say "Enough already!", and sadly, Westside's prom started off a mile past that line. Seriously, I think the Westside folks just sat down one day at a meeting and said to themselves, "Okay, what can we possibly do to make prom as much of a disappointment as possible? We're way short of meeting our 'SUCK' quota."
Not to mention that crazy-unnecessary little side adventure I had to take with Chino and Yolanda before we got there.
But luckily for me, Dulles' prom was actually....normal. Good location. Good food. Organization. No fights. Good people. Good mix of music. They even had techno. Except for the times where they messed up and played Avril/Fergie songs. But it was all a great vibe. Plus, there was the fact that nobody there knew me. I therefore took the opportunity to go as uninhibitedly wild as I could.
I recklessly broke into the black people's Soulja Boy ring to show them how UT boys crank it.
I waltzed with my date to a freaky song. (To be fair, I had to be creative because grinding was a big no-no with her.)
I started my own dance circle and Crip-walked like nobody's business.
And I absolutely, positively FLIPPED OUT when Sandstorm came on.
I also snuck away for a few minutes to dance with this smoking hot Hispanic chick in the middle of a grind song, but that's another story.
I mean, if I'm going to spend $100+ on a tux rental, $33 on bus tickets, $20 on dinner, AND miss out on the half dozen drinky-freaky parties I was invited to that weekend, I gotta make it worth it. As an afterthought, I suppose agreeing to prom a year in advance and missing half the prom events because my bus rolled into Houston late also factors in there somewhat.
The company I was with wasn't bad, either. My date told me they were anime geeks, so I went in figuring they'd be kinda lame and I'd awkward my way through the night somehow, but they ended up being kinda cool. Even "pedo-bait." Except for the one other guy in our prom pool. I'll give him credit because he had a snazzy cosplay tux (even though my white-black inverted tux was way better), but dude needed to man up in the worst way. Like, going to the girls' bathroom with the rest of the girls, kind of worst way. I kinda felt bad for his date, because she was pretty cute and looked like she wanted to dance a lot more than she actually did.
But, overall, the dance, dinner and after-party were pretty good. The last two were by no means wild, but at least they all didn't suck like last year. And I haven't seen Lion King in a while. All in all, one of the best non-alcoholic ways I could have ended my school year before the Dead Days grind.
Went to a Dulles prom this past weekend. Hate to admit it, but I had a blast. It was much better overall than my own Westside prom last year, but not really because of what they did do. It was more of what they didn't do that made it so much fun. Like not having Deans filter through the dance mass with oversized Fun Police flashlights, separating people who were dancing too close. Or not having the dance floor lights on blaringly bright. Or not hiring DJs who played crap rap-hop beats that even I didn't know. Or not hiring Brazilian strippers that gave us free on-site services.
Just kidding.
But point being, there's just a fine line of people's bullshit I can take before even I have to say "Enough already!", and sadly, Westside's prom started off a mile past that line. Seriously, I think the Westside folks just sat down one day at a meeting and said to themselves, "Okay, what can we possibly do to make prom as much of a disappointment as possible? We're way short of meeting our 'SUCK' quota."
Not to mention that crazy-unnecessary little side adventure I had to take with Chino and Yolanda before we got there.
But luckily for me, Dulles' prom was actually....normal. Good location. Good food. Organization. No fights. Good people. Good mix of music. They even had techno. Except for the times where they messed up and played Avril/Fergie songs. But it was all a great vibe. Plus, there was the fact that nobody there knew me. I therefore took the opportunity to go as uninhibitedly wild as I could.
I recklessly broke into the black people's Soulja Boy ring to show them how UT boys crank it.
I waltzed with my date to a freaky song. (To be fair, I had to be creative because grinding was a big no-no with her.)
I started my own dance circle and Crip-walked like nobody's business.
And I absolutely, positively FLIPPED OUT when Sandstorm came on.
I also snuck away for a few minutes to dance with this smoking hot Hispanic chick in the middle of a grind song, but that's another story.
I mean, if I'm going to spend $100+ on a tux rental, $33 on bus tickets, $20 on dinner, AND miss out on the half dozen drinky-freaky parties I was invited to that weekend, I gotta make it worth it. As an afterthought, I suppose agreeing to prom a year in advance and missing half the prom events because my bus rolled into Houston late also factors in there somewhat.
The company I was with wasn't bad, either. My date told me they were anime geeks, so I went in figuring they'd be kinda lame and I'd awkward my way through the night somehow, but they ended up being kinda cool. Even "pedo-bait." Except for the one other guy in our prom pool. I'll give him credit because he had a snazzy cosplay tux (even though my white-black inverted tux was way better), but dude needed to man up in the worst way. Like, going to the girls' bathroom with the rest of the girls, kind of worst way. I kinda felt bad for his date, because she was pretty cute and looked like she wanted to dance a lot more than she actually did.
But, overall, the dance, dinner and after-party were pretty good. The last two were by no means wild, but at least they all didn't suck like last year. And I haven't seen Lion King in a while. All in all, one of the best non-alcoholic ways I could have ended my school year before the Dead Days grind.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Had a Bad Day, Taking One Down...
Shit day. Shit shit shit. Gay gay gay.
Weekend consumed by studying. ID lost. Shitty Chemistry exam. iPod stolen.
That was the third MP3 player I've lost.
Spent most of tonight fuming about my iPod and exam grade, and basking in angry metal ambience. I guess things overall could be going much worse, but that's no excuse for the way things have been going.
Is that selfish thinking? Can you really be happy with any failures or shortcomings in your life, just as long as you're not a unnamed teenager in Sub-Saharan Africa dying of AIDS? I don't think so. You can't constantly compare yourself to the people who have stations in life below yours. That's why I'm not convinced whenever somebody gives that familiar sermon. Where does your perspective go to if you're always looking over your shoulder? On the flip side, you'll never be happy if you compare yourself to people above and out of your league. The only person you can justify yourself against is you. Man, I'm on fire with these cliches.
In any case, things could be better, could be worse. But they suck something fierce right now and that's life. I guess the key is to suck it up and spit it back out the next time life hands you lemons. Like Mr. Chamillionaire says, this is going to be one rocky road.
Weekend consumed by studying. ID lost. Shitty Chemistry exam. iPod stolen.
That was the third MP3 player I've lost.
Spent most of tonight fuming about my iPod and exam grade, and basking in angry metal ambience. I guess things overall could be going much worse, but that's no excuse for the way things have been going.
Is that selfish thinking? Can you really be happy with any failures or shortcomings in your life, just as long as you're not a unnamed teenager in Sub-Saharan Africa dying of AIDS? I don't think so. You can't constantly compare yourself to the people who have stations in life below yours. That's why I'm not convinced whenever somebody gives that familiar sermon. Where does your perspective go to if you're always looking over your shoulder? On the flip side, you'll never be happy if you compare yourself to people above and out of your league. The only person you can justify yourself against is you. Man, I'm on fire with these cliches.
In any case, things could be better, could be worse. But they suck something fierce right now and that's life. I guess the key is to suck it up and spit it back out the next time life hands you lemons. Like Mr. Chamillionaire says, this is going to be one rocky road.
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