It feels like it's been much longer than a semester, though. It feels like I've opened and closed an entire chapter of my life. So many ups and downs. Stress and relaxation.... happiness and heartbreak.
Writing in this makes me remember all the other times I've kept my thoughts in a journal. That's the cool thing, that you can revisit not just old memories, but old mentalities, more than anything. I remember the old Xanga entries I used to post, some of them for attention, some for myself, and a few out of rash decision. I remember how much of a kid I was then... who am I kidding? Heh, I'm still a kid now, just in a bigger kid's body.
In any case, it's mind-blowing to read through some of the old mentalities I used to have. So carefree, so sidetracked... how did I even get through high school? Must've have been easier than I gave it credit for! Hah!
I feel old. I see all these freshmen and sophomores running around campus and see flashes of my younger self when I talk to them. I see those same flashes in my friends, brothers, and family. Part of me wants to reach out and steer them onto the path away from my mistakes. In the end though, is that my place? Of course not. Sometimes you just gotta let people make their own mistakes, I've learned. I've made enough of my own to learn that life passes you by too quickly to live someone else's for them.
It's so true that you lose yourself in college, that it shatters the image of what you thought you were, and finding yourself amongst the pieces is part of the fun. This past year, especially since I joined a fraternity, I've lost and found myself in so many ways. A lot of it had to do with being around people who weren't afraid to speak their mind and point out things I couldn't see in myself, that I see now. It's like dancing in front of a mirror. You tend to get too caught up in yourself until you see yourself from another person's perspective.
At the same time, I've wasted so much time pretending to be someone I'm not, at times being afraid to say or do something because of what other people think, and worrying endlessly about things that ended up being meaningless and stupid. As horrible and foolish as it sounds, for a while I really didn't know who the hell I was. I lost track of the person I knew I could be just because I wanted to fit a model other people had.
It hit me with a conversation. I spent the first weeks of summer looking for a job in fine dining. What the hell was I doing in fine dining? I had no experience outside Pluckers and the closest thing I had was a summer waiting tables at Landry's. I was more or less pretending my way into the industry. It made for one hell of an interesting resumé.
During my first interview (out of three!) for a server position, the manager, Namath, who told me he had interviewed "thousands" of people before me, told me something I'll never forget:
Him: "So, any questions for me?"
Me: "Well, I know I don't have the most amount of experience in your hiring pool. I really want to learn what you've got to teach me, though. How willing are you guys to cooperate with a person like me?"
Him: "You know, I've hired - and fired - more people than I care to remember. Some had years in fine dining, some I took on with no experience at all. You know what surprises me the most, though? A lot of the ones with no experience... ended up being the ones that made me the proudest. It does not matter so much what your resumé says, attitude is everything. Your resumé shows you have so much work behind you, Jeddy, but your resumé doesn't speak to your greatest asset, which is your personality. In the ten minutes we've spent talking, I can tell you're a warm-hearted, generous, hard-working, honest person, and most of all you're authentic. No matter which direction this interview takes, I'm glad we met."
With the year of negativity and doom-and-gloom I had spent at UT, this last part hit me straight in the chest. It was the last thing I had expected as an answer to my question, and probably what I needed to hear the most.
It's been a while, but I've come around full circle. Granted, I'm still not perfect. I don't know for sure what kind of job I want, or what my plan is for the next few years. I'm not as much of a "people person" as I thought I was. I'm not the most charismatic, the best athlete, the shiniest apple in the bunch, or even the most attractive person in the room (Okay, maybe not the last part! Kidding...) But you know what? I have a helluva lot better idea of who I am now.
"Not all those who wander are lost." -JRR Tolkien
