Requiem for a Semester.

Happy (almost) 2010!

I feel like I grew and learned the most about myself this semester. I had to deal with a lot of my best friends leaving (both by choice and by force), juggling a new combination of school, fraternity, and work, financial hardships, family worries back home...stuff I never thought about dealing with freshman or sophomore year. With that said, I'll end 2009 with a few lessons learned:

There's always going to be something in your inbox. Even when you die, you have a funeral and will to be arranged. Take a second every once in while for yourself and don't get caught up so much in being busy for the sake of being busy.

Money comes and goes. Opportunities appear once for a few fleeting seconds and disappear. Value opportunities over expenses.

The simplest answer is the best one.

It's not what you think it is, scoring points and settling the score in relationships to make yourself better than someone....in the end, right is right.

Sometimes, you gotta let people make their own mistakes.

You can't become phenomenal at something overnight...passion and true accomplishment is something only achieved if you work at it every day: think it, live it, breathe it.

"You must have complete determination. The worst opponent you can come across is one whose aim has become an obsession."

-Bruce Lee

Act first, think later.

Much like a computer, you run slower, less efficiently and have more problems when you allow unnecessary influences into your system. Even if it's small, you're wasting your time and energy when you allow stress and time-dumps into your life. Get rid of them.

There's no cure like karaoke!

The way you feel is not a direct result of what happens to you, but rather of your interpretation of it. Nobody can MAKE you feel sad, MAKE you feel angry, frustrated, or upset...it's all in your head.

Image is everything. (almost)

One step in the wrong direction is two steps away from the right direction. Become a better person every day, even in the smallest ways.

Reality has a funny way of making itself less of a big deal than you make it out to be.

"Flow in the living moment....be like water."

-Bruce Lee

Help yourself first, then worry about other people. It's not called being selfish; it's called being responsible.

EXERCISE. The human body is an amazing machine....and then again, it isn't. Tearing your muscle fibers sounds like a good way to make yourself weak and injured....but it's actually how your body gets stronger. Sleeping more to get more energy tends to work against you.

On that note, eat healthier! High-performance food results in a high-performance body and mind.

An excuse is a short-term solution, long-term problem.

Time without focus is valueless. Value focus over time.

Poker's not so much a game of what you have, but more so what you can make your opponent think you have.

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

-Bill Cosby

"Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it."

-Bruce Lee

Respect yourself, and value your own time more.

Your real friends aren't what they say they are, but instead, what they show they are.

You are what you think.

Nice knowing you 2009! Bring on 2010!!!

On O-Chem

Stupid mechanisms. I don't give a shit why or how a (+) sign gets moved half an inch across the page or how three lines becomes two lines becomes one. Go figure out how many reaction steps it takes for you to burn in hell.

Lessons from the Weekend

Help yourself first, then worry about other people. It's not called being selfish; it's called being responsible.

There's only so much you can do for other people until you're doing the work for them.

You'll always have your critics. Do what you do anyway.

Image is everything. (almost)

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
-Bill Cosby

On Gossip

Wow.

It's nice to know that after even after so many years, the friends that you once thought you had, actually weren't all along.

Don't talk shit if you don't know what happened. Grow up, learn the truth and stop believing what you want to believe. Seriously.

Square One.

Hello.

Nice to see you again.

Not.

I'm sick of you.

Bye.

Death by Cleansing

Aaaaand in other news today, I discovered that Lysol works as an effective bug killer!

I was trying to nail down an annoying fly in my bedroom and was without Raid or a fly swatter. With a creative thought, I dashed into the bathroom, grabbed the Lysol, sprayed that mofo like a sawed-off shotgun, and... success!

Plus, even if you miss, you end up cleaning that spot instead of getting nasty poisons there! Everyone wins! ....except the fly, of course!

Bring on summer!

Rededicate.

Calorie counting and gym ratting officially begins today.

Let's see if I can get to 4000+ calories a day again.

i don't want now.

Moving, again
Comfort of the Chase.
Now and again
This, my saving grace.

Dead on the inside, I've got Nothing to prove
Keep me Alive and give me something to Lose

Goodbye, this time.
Leaving you

I've been gone so long, so, gone so long
But I will come back.

I will come back for you

HS Ultimate Tournament

What a fast weekend!

After a late Saturday night out, I got up just in time to coach my Ultimate team at the Austin-Area High School Tournament. We'd been running league play, 2 games each Sunday for the past month, and I had turned my team of ex-scrubs into a well-oiled machine. Now was the real deal.

We started the day as second seed, and won our first game handily, 9-4. Unfortunately, because of an administrative mistake in seeding, we had to play the #1 seed a round early, and though we put up a hell of a fight, we lost 11-7. Winning that game would have made us clear favorites for the championship round, but we gave up two quick points in the beginning off of BS turnovers, and we weren't able to dig ourselves out of that hole.

Still, I was proud of my guys (and the one girl, Chloe, hah!). That second game was intense. I told the team afterward that it was the best game I'd seen all season, and "fuck what the score says." After that, we played a garbage team for the last game, but I told my players to just have fun with it, because playing the #1 seed so closely had drained all of their energy. All in all, not a bad day.

Go Crazy Apes!

Something new

So, I was studying for my Nutrition exam today, when I happened upon an interesting statistic I hadn't noticed before:

"In 1902, diarrhea ranked as the 4th leading cause of death in the U.S., behind Tuberculosis, Pneumonia/Influenza, and Heart Disease."

Wow. I didn't know you could DIE from diarrhea. That's pretty crazy. I guess that's where the term "holy crap" comes from?

faint

sometimes i wish things were different

sometimes i wish i could rely on other people instead of insisting on doing everything myself

sometimes i wish i didnt wear my heart on my sleeve

sometimes i wish i could be like everyone else and just blend into the crowd

sometimes i wish id learn more from my mistakes instead of repeating them

sometimes i wish i didnt care so much

And then, there are the times that I just shut up and move on.

The Story So Far

It's almost been a week since I cut myself off from Facebook and it's still pretty hard.

In general, I do feel like I'm getting more work done. But when I'm bored (which is a lot!), I still get these impulsive urges to go check what's happenin' on my News Feed, then I remember I've Face-blocked myself, and I'll scrunch up my face in frustration. >_< Now I know what Dobby the house-elf felt like when he knew he did a bad thing and started punishing himself!

Or, sometimes, when I can't remember which web site I want to go to, my fingers start typing in "facebook.com" without me even thinking about it, and I have one of those "What the heck am I doing?" moments. Kinda feels like, say, when you catch yourself in the middle of throwing away your pen with one hand and writing using a ball of scrap paper with the other. Hah, coordination fail!

And now, for some breaking news: It's the night before my O-Chem exam; yet, I still get these Facebook twinges, to go chat with friends, playing the "study break" card. Hah, we all know what THAT really means! Reminds me of that KoRn song, "Coming Undone...." (Keep holding on when my brain's ticking like a bomb / Guess the black thoughts have come again to get me)

Just go away, Facebook. Shoo.

At this rate, I hope I never get hooked onto cigarettes....Tobacco is whacko!

Bye Facebook.

Today, I shut down my Facebook indefinitely.

It kind of started out as a thought experiment, but today I decided I don't need Facebook. I've changed all my email notifications, so there's no way Facebook can contact me. I used a special lockout program to block it on my laptop, and I locked the settings so I can't unblock it unless I uninstall the program itself. Among other things, the final nail in the coffin was getting my friend to change my password. Basically, I've done everything short of actually deleting my account.

How long this will last? I don't know. It's always so tempting to log on and check for anything new when I'm bored! It feels like I've finally gotten up after laying in bed for way too long. But I guess that's just part of the process. Hopefully it'll all be for the better.

If you really need me, just call or text. And then again, there's always email.

For now though, fuck you, Mark Zuckerberg!

Showing up is half the battle

Ever hate it when you're about to sneeze, and you wind up for it, you get your elbows bent and your hands in front of your face, you close your eyes in anticipation, you take a deep breath....and then it never comes? And then you go, "What the hell?" And then sometimes you'll pull a take two a second later when you're not expecting it? Yeah, I hate that too.

The same thing happened today with my Biopsychology exam. A little background. For the first time this semester, I stayed up late. This actually means something, because I do NOT stay up late. I make it a point to get 8 hours of sleep a night and to go to bed by midnight. I can't function without my beauty sleep. Instead, I spent the late night hours studying, going over notes and recordings, poring over flash cards, all until 3 AM, then showed up to 10 AM class all wired up and ready to go....except the TA wasn't.

For some reason, the TA didn't have the tests, didn't copy them, was hung over from a wild Thursday....something, anyway, the TA had the tests and didn't show up. Professor Lee (who's normally a very kindly woman) looked PISSED. She was furiously working the phone trying to grab a hold of the TA.

We all sat around for 10 minutes, and by 10:15 it had sunk in that we weren't going to be hazed today. Even if the TA came, there wouldn't be enough time. Dr. Lee profusely apologized and told us she would reschedule the test for Monday.

Lots of people looked like it was the second coming of Christ. People like me, on the other hand, were pissed the fuck off. I had done all this preparation coming in and I do NOT want this exam hanging over my V-Day weekend, especially with an O-Chem exam next Thursday.

The funniest part was when I stayed behind to talk to Dr. Lee, and the last thing she said before I left was, "Next time, I'M bringing the exams."

Mightier Than The Sword

I was at PCL studying today, and needed a pen. I realized that I had left my pens and pencils at home, so I went to the librarian's desk and asked to borrow one. She gave me this look like "Sure, you're going to borrow it" but gave it to me anyway.

Ten minutes into using it, the ink ran out. Lame! I wrote on everything I could to resuscitate the pen: paper, folders, my hand, whatever I could find. I pounded dents, tried scribbling loop-de-loops, straight lines, you name it. I was getting frustrated.

Finally, after another ten minutes of doing everything short of taking the pen apart, I returned the pen to the librarian: "Hey, sorry, I think your pen is out."

She took the pen in her hand, looked at it with quizzical doubt, and quickly scribbled on a sheet of scrap paper.

It wrote perfectly.

Son of a bitch.

The librarian looked up at me like she was about to bust out laughing, her eyebrows slightly furrowed above her square-rimmed glasses. She tried writing some fancy curly lines to test it one more time, then held out the traitor pen for me to take.

Mouth agape, I protested, "That didn't happen before...that couldn't...you know what, never mind."

I took back the pen and what was left of my dignity, and went back to work.

Word Dissection 301

I think a lot about the meanings of words. Why we favor using some words over others, and what all isn't being said you when do say that word. It's something I like to do; I can almost call it a hobby.

Recently, I've been thinking about the word "should."

Should I go to this? What should I wear to this dinner? Maybe I should just call this off, etc. You get the idea.

We use the word so often that its meaning is pretty much skipped over now.

When I hear someone say the word "should", I interpret that as personal weakness.

Why?

When you ask "How should I act in so-and-so situation," sure, you may be just asking for advice, but it goes deeper than that. At some level, you're rationalizing the risk of failure, because you yourself are afraid of failure. It's a perfectly human thing to do. But too often, it's easy to get caught up in the game of "Maybe I should do that instead of that, then X will happen. Ugh, I can't decide", and you either end up doing something half-assed and half-hearted, or nothing at all out of fear. Then you feel bad about it afterwards.

Who holds the power behind the word "should", anyway? I imagine most people don't take that into consideration. Why do we make the decisions we make after we come to a "should" split? Are we doing it for ourselves? For a friend? So something will or won't happen? Because of the social consequences?

I really believe that we, as humans, don't focus enough in a single time frame. I talk to friends and they're freaking out about some test next week, or gushing over some dumb little mistake they made and how it's frustrating them right now. What about the present? It's the only thing you have real control over anyway. People just don't seem to think enough about, what am I doing RIGHT NOW, what am I feeling RIGHT NOW, etc. They're too focused on what's around the corner, or the footsteps they leave behind.

When you think, Should I blah blah blah, you're taking yourself out of the present, and into an imaginary future. As much as we WANT something to happen, it usually doesn't turn out exactly that way, and we know this! Yet, we pine and pain ourselves about it anyway, and repeatedly try to FORCE a given moment.

Usually, when people say the "S" word, it's like they're giving the power of the decision to an imaginary boardroom that scores them like a panel of Olympic judges. To them, it's like their life is being watched on some hideous reality TV channel, and the ratings go up or down based on what they do. If you've watched the movie "The Truman Show", then you probably know what I'm talking about.

Should you ask a girl to dance at a club or should you try to buy her a drink and chat her up first? Will she push you away or think it's cute?

Those people are either too inexperienced or immature to know the consequences, or at least do what they feel is right and deal with it. What's more disturbing, they seem to be CONTENT with the mundane and expected, rather than have the courage to try something new.

Bzzzt!!! WRONG!

Not only is this childish and inaccurate, it's done for the wrong reasons. I believe that people in general are better off if they do something, with confidence, because THEY WANT to. Not because their mom wanted them to do it, or because it'll look better on their resume. Imagine if you were stuck between a hoity-toity major you were expected to do but didn't like, and a major that was less "prestigious" but actually enjoyable. What would you do?

Is it like society WANTS you to do something anyway? No. Truthfully, in the end, most people either don't know or don't care. Do what you want to do.

Now, I'm not telling you to go and rape the next hot person you see outside, or go and steal an expensive car out on the street, just because you WANT to. The point is to shift away from the idea that you can't do something because of so-and-so obligations. If you want something, make it happen! The real question is whether or not you want it badly enough to face those possible risks.

Many of the greatest memories that I have happened because I disregarded imaginary consequences, and stuck to my guns. My first kiss, getting my football autographed by the UT football gods at the Hex Rally, some of the wildest nights of my life, and discovering who my best friends really were are some examples. I'm sure many people can relate.

The take-home lesson here: Keep the "S" word out of your life as much as possible. Fuck what society thinks. If you find you're asking yourself "Should I?", be aware of the possible consequences, then do it anyway. Don't settle for the expected. Keep your power, and live for yourself. You'll be a much better and more honest person if you do.

"Mommy, Mommy, guess what I saw at school today?"

I started out the semester signed up for 6 classes: Organic Chem II, Intro to Nutrition, Biopsychology, Cell Biology, Development and Plasticity of the Nervous System, and a Health Professions seminar. 16 hours total. I just had to pick which one I liked least and drop it, and press on with a cool 13 hours.

So it pretty basically came down to either Cell Biology, or Development and Plasticity of the Nervous System. Based on today's Nervous System lecture, I'm dropping Cell Bio. Except for the fact that I'll be sitting in a graduate class for 3 hours straight on Tuesday nights, I only have classes on MWF and I'm pretty happy!

Why?

Let's just say, that a picture is worth a thousand words...so I'll give you two thousand.



Yes, that is a real, live, ooey, gooey, squishy, squashy, juicy, human brain.

I'm already liking this semester.

Radical Simplicity

I wonder what it is with human beings that requires life to be so damn complicated.

Maybe I'm just being an idealist, but I feel jaded. I'm getting tired of games. That's what it all seems to be.

Reality Check

They say seeing is believing.

So if you see something happen, does that make it right, by default? How much is going on behind the scenes that we're not seeing? How much of what we're seeing can we even believe in the first place? What if it's all a dream? How do we even know what is a dream and what isn't?

There was a study done where two groups of rats were each dropped into two separate tanks of water, one with a small "island" that the rats could find and swim onto, and another which was completely filled with water. After one group found the island, both groups were taken out. Researchers repeated the experiment, this time removing the island so both tanks had nothing but water. They found the "island" group kept afloat and swam twice as long as the "haha, you're fucked" group, which aimlessly splashed around in circles. Presumably this was because the "island" group, having memory of an oasis of sorts, had the mental endurance to keep looking for something it believed to exist, even if it no longer existed.

If a rat can push itself twice as hard by that kind of mental image, even if it was just an illusion, what is a human mind capable of?

Let's rattle the clouds here a little: What does that mean about ideas like faith and religion?

I walk down the street and wonder sometimes, how does another person see what I perceive to be my own reality? Do they remember the detailing of arches, lines, and curves of buildings, the collective movement of people, cars, and clouds, or the distinctive scrape of shoe soles against sidewalk, the way I do? When I smell something, I'm reminded of some part of my past, but what does that other person experience? What am I missing out on? When I close my eyes, do other people just see plain black, or a hazy collection of flickering green, purple, and blue lines, as I do?

Reality is what your senses can perceive and gather together in your brain. So it's not really everyone's world we live in, or everyone's reality, to be specific. It's your own reality, and what you make of it. We're all just a bunch of reality-processing organs bumping around in the darkness of what we call a universe, our body parts being the tools we use to interact with that reality.

It's a very sobering thought.

So, you exist in two different forms so far: the body and the mind. The mind processes the reality, and the body interacts. Let's take that thought one step further. What's even higher than that plane of existence? What drives the meaning behind the interactions, the interpretation of the reality presented by the mind?

A soul?

Three forms of existence. Body, mind, and soul.

I think I'll leave it here for today.

Driver Goes Wrong Way, Hilarity Does Not Ensue

So, I was biking downtown yesterday afternoon, in search of a job.

I adore my bike, and absolutely love road biking, but it's a scary thing if you're not used to it. Even though I can get up to 25 mph on my road bike going down city streets, there are cars whooshing by you at upwards of 35 or 40, and it's a little unnerving to know in the back of your head that you have no margin of error. One spill, one unnoticed pothole...and that's it. There's no protection, no second chances, and plenty of cars right behind you.

Exciting.

At least I can bike down Austin streets without getting bitched at. If there's anything I really hate about Houston, it's about how intolerant drivers are. When I was in Houston, I biked from my house down Eldridge to Terry Hershey Park, a 4 mile straight shot. Even as I straddled the shoulder at 25, I still get honked at no less than ten times. Amazing.

Anyway, so I'm biking full speed, through the streets of downtown Austin, in a one-way street...when an old Chevy pickup truck turns a corner the wrong way into the street, down my lane, straight at me. He's 50 feet away. I have cars surrounding me on three sides. And I'm thinking, Oh God, oh God...

The driver's eyes light up and his face seizes up with a WHAT THE FUCK look.

Eyes darting to the left and right, he quickly sees he's quite handily fucked himself over.

He looks straight at me. Like it's my fault!

30 feet away now.

I glare at him, eyes wide open, and shake my head forcefully.

I can't stop, and I can't turn. I'm going to crash headlong into him. Do something!

20 feet to go.

Car horns are blasting everywhere.

I brace for the worst.

Suddenly, he veers his old truck into an empty parking space on the side of the street, screeching to a halt.

I speed by unharmed, just as the sound of his squealing tires whizzes past my left ear, a la Doppler effect.

My mind is reeling. My fingertips are tingling, and I realize my fists have a rigor mortis-like grip on my handlebar. The colors of the downtown buildings blur and blend into each other as I quickly rehash what just happened. I'm still going 25, but I've stopped pedaling.

I take in a huge breath of air, shake my head, then pedal on. I may have narrowly avoided one disaster, but another one lies right behind me if I stop.

Exciting...

Glass Half Full

Music of the moment: I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

[...]

Dear Fox,

Another chapter closes.

There's no need to complicate, our time is short.

I feel a little Subdued, knowing that as much as I would have liked for things to have ended up a certain way, they couldn't, and didn't. We both knew. But I'm Happy that we left things the way we did. It's for the best. And I'm happy for All the time that we spent together, however short it might have been.

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror,
and bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer,
My breath fogged up the glass, so I drew a new face and laughed.

Even more, I'm happy that, without saying a word, you helped me overcome my own long-held fears and doubts about myself. Too long, I fought myself, Agonizing about petty details and dissecting situations, to the point of inaction. You've given me hope, and something a little more. I can only hope you feel the same way.

I Reckon it's again my turn, to win some or learn some.

I'm sure this won't be our last encounter. But for now, my mind is clear, my heart is alive, and I am at peace. I can move on.

Thank you.

-Hound

Recap.

Music of the moment: Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls

[...]

Happy new year, happy new year!

I'm not going to write about some dumb resolutions I have. If I set them for the entire year I'll be sure to forget them in a few months anyway. The better approach is to set a bunch of mini-resolutions for each week or month, and try to apply them in your life and follow them.

That's weird, I usually don't get that deep, that quickly in my posts. Oh well.

Anyway, looking back so far, my first few days of 2009 has been by far happier than almost all of 2008. Let's see, what have I done?

I've celebrated getting stupid drunk in a hotel room full of old friends and new strangers. (Thank God I didn't wake up with a hangover either, my streak remains safe!)

I've set off artillery shell fireworks in a church parking lot, and stood five feet from a triple artillery shell as it went off, just for the hell of it.

I've smoked cigars and cigarettes for the first time, just to try it. (Cigarettes taste like nasty on a stick, by the way.)

I've reconnected with random friends I never talked to before.

I've reconnected with old best friends.

I've negotiated my way to getting butt loads of free stuff from stores. (ALWAYS talk to the manager or owner! Even if you don't know them.)

I've found someone, or at least I hope.

I've gone through a 2-day period of drinking nothing but Dr. Pepper.

I've gone above and beyond to help a friend who needed it.

I've hit a new level of brotherhood with an old friend.

I've overcome my own long-held fears and doubts, in the simplest of ways, in pursuit of something I really wanted.

I've blown money on $400 worth of fireworks (and only had to pay $80 for it!), and watched it all go up in flashing lights and explosions in the sky.

And of course, I watched my TEXAS LONGHORNS come from behind to win the Fiesta Bowl!

Here's to more of the same. Cheers!