Tales of an Insomniac, Part 1

God, why can't I sleep.

I'm on the Pursuit of Happyness

Are happiness and desire mutually exclusive?

Let's say that happiness (as a state of mind) represents your satisfaction with your current situation. If you're not getting what you want, your desire is greater, and you're not happy about it. But then once you get exactly what you want (or more), then you're perfectly happy, and there's nothing more that you desire.

So if you're an ambitious or demanding person, there's obviously a lot of things that you want, out of life and from yourself. Does that make you doomed to dissatisfaction? Why is it so hard to, as the saying goes, have your cake and eat it too?

Dating should not involve detective work.

Great time Saturday night! After a marathon study sesh at Mozarts (first time there!), I ran around grabbing stuff for my costume, found out we lost to Baylor (what the hell? who loses to Baylor?? We do, apparently), and went party hopping with Dani.

Sunday was super unproductive. Woke up at 10:30, tried (unsuccessfully) for an hour to install the new flush mounts on my bike, and ended up studying with Kathleen at Starbucks (also unsuccessfully - mostly). Crashed at home for an hour and a half, study failed at McCombs, and babysat for the rest of the night. The folks I baby-sat for didn't even bother showing up until an hour after when they said they would. At least their cats were nice. I didn't get any work done there either... I might as well have been refreshing Facebook repeatedly for 6 hours.

Doing 100 down Mopac in the dead of night is always fun.

Gravity

Wednesday was a pretty awesome day :]

Then Thursday hit. The gravity of the situation I've long been in finally sunk in. Thank God for beer pong and good friends.

Today's been pretty straightforward. Basketball and studying and more studying. (never mind the flaming Dr. Pepper and Patron shots)

Where am I going?

outofcontext

21st birthdays are always fun.

When I'm zoned, I'm feeling alright, I'm feeling alright....

...he's on the move, can't seem to shake the shade.

Focus.

I'm back in the weight room, baby!

Damned funnel cake.

My baby's back!

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

I wanna know your name.

All the crazy shit I did tonight, those will be the best memories.

"The virtue lies not in the prize but in the struggle."

Full Circle

I never thought this day would come, but here it is.

I gave my car to my family today.

Big whoop, right? I mean, I've been talking about this for the past year like just any other day: "But don't worry Mom, next year I'm moving back to West Campus and I want you guys to use the Escape" rolled off my tongue as easily as "Oh hey, I'm going to grab groceries a couple days from today".

Maybe that's because of the person I am though. I never fully consider the consequences of what I mean or say until I'm actually living out the effects. I just wanted my family to have a car to drive that didn't have the fuel efficiency of a tank. I promise things too easily.

Anyway, as I backed out the Escape from the garage for my little brother to drive, it hit me just what it felt like to pass the torch, how much things had come full circle.

See, ever since he got word that I was returning the car to Houston, my little brother had been harassing my mom relentlessly. George had just gotten his driver's license this summer, and was fired up to use the car for all kinds of "chores."

"But Mom! You're always bugging me to get a job. You're always complaining about how you don't have enough time to go run all the errands you want. If I just had the Escape, I could do all those things!"

Totally believable, right? Looking from the other side of the conversation, it's crazy to realize how many false promises people will make to get what they want. And George has no problem getting what he wants from my parents when he wants it.

His first phone? In middle school. I didn't get one until senior year of high school... after years of begging.

His first laptop? I had to stick with old school PC's until I started college. Of course it made perfect sense for him to get one in freshman year of high school.

And let's not forget the driver's license. When he wanted his, my mom didn't skip a beat making sure he got it. It took a whole year for me to get my mom to cave.

Anyway, a little brotherly jealousy out of the way and you get my point. George was getting my car a lot earlier than I did. So it bugged me a bit as I was having sushi with my family at Kyoto tonight.

What bugged me more, though, was that when the conversation turned to college, he seemed weirdly complacent with his plans. As I was telling him about how UT compared to other Texas schools, and asking what kind of college environment he wanted, I realized he was the exact opposite of who I was junior year. Even more, he reminded me a bit too much of myself now. A bit lost, a little confused, but pretty sure things would work themselves out fine. The only difference? I'm almost done with college and wish it would never end... besides the being filthy poor part. The real world scares me.

Fast forward to the beginning of the story. Like I said, I never fully consider the consequences until I'm actually living out the effects. So here I was, backing up the Escape for the last time for a long time, feeling like I was handing over the keys to a 4-years younger version of myself. I looked back on all the great memories I had in that car (as well as the 2+ grand in tickets I've racked up in it), and I realized I haven't been without my car since freshman year of college. Holy cow.

In a lot of ways, this feels like a fresh start. George has his fresh start with the car, now I've got mine without it. No more car troubles... but I still have plenty of work cut out for me.

Besides, I've got a motorcycle. Two wheels are way more fun than four.

I'm not lost... just wandering

It's been a while since I've written in here. One semester, to be exact.

It feels like it's been much longer than a semester, though. It feels like I've opened and closed an entire chapter of my life. So many ups and downs. Stress and relaxation.... happiness and heartbreak.

Writing in this makes me remember all the other times I've kept my thoughts in a journal. That's the cool thing, that you can revisit not just old memories, but old mentalities, more than anything. I remember the old Xanga entries I used to post, some of them for attention, some for myself, and a few out of rash decision. I remember how much of a kid I was then... who am I kidding? Heh, I'm still a kid now, just in a bigger kid's body.

In any case, it's mind-blowing to read through some of the old mentalities I used to have. So carefree, so sidetracked... how did I even get through high school? Must've have been easier than I gave it credit for! Hah!

I feel old. I see all these freshmen and sophomores running around campus and see flashes of my younger self when I talk to them. I see those same flashes in my friends, brothers, and family. Part of me wants to reach out and steer them onto the path away from my mistakes. In the end though, is that my place? Of course not. Sometimes you just gotta let people make their own mistakes, I've learned. I've made enough of my own to learn that life passes you by too quickly to live someone else's for them.

It's so true that you lose yourself in college, that it shatters the image of what you thought you were, and finding yourself amongst the pieces is part of the fun. This past year, especially since I joined a fraternity, I've lost and found myself in so many ways. A lot of it had to do with being around people who weren't afraid to speak their mind and point out things I couldn't see in myself, that I see now. It's like dancing in front of a mirror. You tend to get too caught up in yourself until you see yourself from another person's perspective.

At the same time, I've wasted so much time pretending to be someone I'm not, at times being afraid to say or do something because of what other people think, and worrying endlessly about things that ended up being meaningless and stupid. As horrible and foolish as it sounds, for a while I really didn't know who the hell I was. I lost track of the person I knew I could be just because I wanted to fit a model other people had.

It hit me with a conversation. I spent the first weeks of summer looking for a job in fine dining. What the hell was I doing in fine dining? I had no experience outside Pluckers and the closest thing I had was a summer waiting tables at Landry's. I was more or less pretending my way into the industry. It made for one hell of an interesting resumé.

During my first interview (out of three!) for a server position, the manager, Namath, who told me he had interviewed "thousands" of people before me, told me something I'll never forget:

Him: "So, any questions for me?"

Me: "Well, I know I don't have the most amount of experience in your hiring pool. I really want to learn what you've got to teach me, though. How willing are you guys to cooperate with a person like me?"

Him: "You know, I've hired - and fired - more people than I care to remember. Some had years in fine dining, some I took on with no experience at all. You know what surprises me the most, though? A lot of the ones with no experience... ended up being the ones that made me the proudest. It does not matter so much what your resumé says, attitude is everything. Your resumé shows you have so much work behind you, Jeddy, but your resumé doesn't speak to your greatest asset, which is your personality. In the ten minutes we've spent talking, I can tell you're a warm-hearted, generous, hard-working, honest person, and most of all you're authentic. No matter which direction this interview takes, I'm glad we met."

With the year of negativity and doom-and-gloom I had spent at UT, this last part hit me straight in the chest. It was the last thing I had expected as an answer to my question, and probably what I needed to hear the most.

It's been a while, but I've come around full circle. Granted, I'm still not perfect. I don't know for sure what kind of job I want, or what my plan is for the next few years. I'm not as much of a "people person" as I thought I was. I'm not the most charismatic, the best athlete, the shiniest apple in the bunch, or even the most attractive person in the room (Okay, maybe not the last part! Kidding...) But you know what? I have a helluva lot better idea of who I am now.

"Not all those who wander are lost." -JRR Tolkien

Requiem for a Semester.

Happy (almost) 2010!

I feel like I grew and learned the most about myself this semester. I had to deal with a lot of my best friends leaving (both by choice and by force), juggling a new combination of school, fraternity, and work, financial hardships, family worries back home...stuff I never thought about dealing with freshman or sophomore year. With that said, I'll end 2009 with a few lessons learned:

There's always going to be something in your inbox. Even when you die, you have a funeral and will to be arranged. Take a second every once in while for yourself and don't get caught up so much in being busy for the sake of being busy.

Money comes and goes. Opportunities appear once for a few fleeting seconds and disappear. Value opportunities over expenses.

The simplest answer is the best one.

It's not what you think it is, scoring points and settling the score in relationships to make yourself better than someone....in the end, right is right.

Sometimes, you gotta let people make their own mistakes.

You can't become phenomenal at something overnight...passion and true accomplishment is something only achieved if you work at it every day: think it, live it, breathe it.

"You must have complete determination. The worst opponent you can come across is one whose aim has become an obsession."

-Bruce Lee

Act first, think later.

Much like a computer, you run slower, less efficiently and have more problems when you allow unnecessary influences into your system. Even if it's small, you're wasting your time and energy when you allow stress and time-dumps into your life. Get rid of them.

There's no cure like karaoke!

The way you feel is not a direct result of what happens to you, but rather of your interpretation of it. Nobody can MAKE you feel sad, MAKE you feel angry, frustrated, or upset...it's all in your head.

Image is everything. (almost)

One step in the wrong direction is two steps away from the right direction. Become a better person every day, even in the smallest ways.

Reality has a funny way of making itself less of a big deal than you make it out to be.

"Flow in the living moment....be like water."

-Bruce Lee

Help yourself first, then worry about other people. It's not called being selfish; it's called being responsible.

EXERCISE. The human body is an amazing machine....and then again, it isn't. Tearing your muscle fibers sounds like a good way to make yourself weak and injured....but it's actually how your body gets stronger. Sleeping more to get more energy tends to work against you.

On that note, eat healthier! High-performance food results in a high-performance body and mind.

An excuse is a short-term solution, long-term problem.

Time without focus is valueless. Value focus over time.

Poker's not so much a game of what you have, but more so what you can make your opponent think you have.

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

-Bill Cosby

"Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it."

-Bruce Lee

Respect yourself, and value your own time more.

Your real friends aren't what they say they are, but instead, what they show they are.

You are what you think.

Nice knowing you 2009! Bring on 2010!!!

On O-Chem

Stupid mechanisms. I don't give a shit why or how a (+) sign gets moved half an inch across the page or how three lines becomes two lines becomes one. Go figure out how many reaction steps it takes for you to burn in hell.

Lessons from the Weekend

Help yourself first, then worry about other people. It's not called being selfish; it's called being responsible.

There's only so much you can do for other people until you're doing the work for them.

You'll always have your critics. Do what you do anyway.

Image is everything. (almost)

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
-Bill Cosby

On Gossip

Wow.

It's nice to know that after even after so many years, the friends that you once thought you had, actually weren't all along.

Don't talk shit if you don't know what happened. Grow up, learn the truth and stop believing what you want to believe. Seriously.

Square One.

Hello.

Nice to see you again.

Not.

I'm sick of you.

Bye.

Death by Cleansing

Aaaaand in other news today, I discovered that Lysol works as an effective bug killer!

I was trying to nail down an annoying fly in my bedroom and was without Raid or a fly swatter. With a creative thought, I dashed into the bathroom, grabbed the Lysol, sprayed that mofo like a sawed-off shotgun, and... success!

Plus, even if you miss, you end up cleaning that spot instead of getting nasty poisons there! Everyone wins! ....except the fly, of course!

Bring on summer!

Rededicate.

Calorie counting and gym ratting officially begins today.

Let's see if I can get to 4000+ calories a day again.

i don't want now.

Moving, again
Comfort of the Chase.
Now and again
This, my saving grace.

Dead on the inside, I've got Nothing to prove
Keep me Alive and give me something to Lose

Goodbye, this time.
Leaving you

I've been gone so long, so, gone so long
But I will come back.

I will come back for you

HS Ultimate Tournament

What a fast weekend!

After a late Saturday night out, I got up just in time to coach my Ultimate team at the Austin-Area High School Tournament. We'd been running league play, 2 games each Sunday for the past month, and I had turned my team of ex-scrubs into a well-oiled machine. Now was the real deal.

We started the day as second seed, and won our first game handily, 9-4. Unfortunately, because of an administrative mistake in seeding, we had to play the #1 seed a round early, and though we put up a hell of a fight, we lost 11-7. Winning that game would have made us clear favorites for the championship round, but we gave up two quick points in the beginning off of BS turnovers, and we weren't able to dig ourselves out of that hole.

Still, I was proud of my guys (and the one girl, Chloe, hah!). That second game was intense. I told the team afterward that it was the best game I'd seen all season, and "fuck what the score says." After that, we played a garbage team for the last game, but I told my players to just have fun with it, because playing the #1 seed so closely had drained all of their energy. All in all, not a bad day.

Go Crazy Apes!

Something new

So, I was studying for my Nutrition exam today, when I happened upon an interesting statistic I hadn't noticed before:

"In 1902, diarrhea ranked as the 4th leading cause of death in the U.S., behind Tuberculosis, Pneumonia/Influenza, and Heart Disease."

Wow. I didn't know you could DIE from diarrhea. That's pretty crazy. I guess that's where the term "holy crap" comes from?

faint

sometimes i wish things were different

sometimes i wish i could rely on other people instead of insisting on doing everything myself

sometimes i wish i didnt wear my heart on my sleeve

sometimes i wish i could be like everyone else and just blend into the crowd

sometimes i wish id learn more from my mistakes instead of repeating them

sometimes i wish i didnt care so much

And then, there are the times that I just shut up and move on.

The Story So Far

It's almost been a week since I cut myself off from Facebook and it's still pretty hard.

In general, I do feel like I'm getting more work done. But when I'm bored (which is a lot!), I still get these impulsive urges to go check what's happenin' on my News Feed, then I remember I've Face-blocked myself, and I'll scrunch up my face in frustration. >_< Now I know what Dobby the house-elf felt like when he knew he did a bad thing and started punishing himself!

Or, sometimes, when I can't remember which web site I want to go to, my fingers start typing in "facebook.com" without me even thinking about it, and I have one of those "What the heck am I doing?" moments. Kinda feels like, say, when you catch yourself in the middle of throwing away your pen with one hand and writing using a ball of scrap paper with the other. Hah, coordination fail!

And now, for some breaking news: It's the night before my O-Chem exam; yet, I still get these Facebook twinges, to go chat with friends, playing the "study break" card. Hah, we all know what THAT really means! Reminds me of that KoRn song, "Coming Undone...." (Keep holding on when my brain's ticking like a bomb / Guess the black thoughts have come again to get me)

Just go away, Facebook. Shoo.

At this rate, I hope I never get hooked onto cigarettes....Tobacco is whacko!

Bye Facebook.

Today, I shut down my Facebook indefinitely.

It kind of started out as a thought experiment, but today I decided I don't need Facebook. I've changed all my email notifications, so there's no way Facebook can contact me. I used a special lockout program to block it on my laptop, and I locked the settings so I can't unblock it unless I uninstall the program itself. Among other things, the final nail in the coffin was getting my friend to change my password. Basically, I've done everything short of actually deleting my account.

How long this will last? I don't know. It's always so tempting to log on and check for anything new when I'm bored! It feels like I've finally gotten up after laying in bed for way too long. But I guess that's just part of the process. Hopefully it'll all be for the better.

If you really need me, just call or text. And then again, there's always email.

For now though, fuck you, Mark Zuckerberg!