The Other Side

For some reason I can't sleep tonight, but I'm sure I know why.

Living life recently kind of feels like watching a movie. I hate it when there are so many conflicting voices of my brain telling me different things, kind of like a bratty audience that won't shut up and let me enjoy. Makes me sound kinda psycho, but usually I'll act on one of the random thoughts and it feels like I'm just passively watching it happen. Then my mind will go, "Did I really just do that? Is that really what you wanted to do?" Past, present, future, too often I wish I could just get all the thoughts out of my head and just be.

Reminds me of the feeling I get in Ultimate when I lay out for a disc, in perfect form. My only goal flying in front of me through space. I zero in on that and nothing else; without thinking, I explode every ounce of my being through the air, towards clutching plastic. No regrets about past mistakes, no agonizing over future decisions. No heartache or worry. The three tenses and all other forces of the world become erased from existence altogether.

For one single, wonderful, glorious moment, it's just me and what I want.

And then you have to come back down to earth and play the game.

Is it possible to be too aware of a situation? Too analytical, too calculating, too obsessive over the dynamics of what's happening, as it's happening? To the point where your understanding and desire to control disrupts a perfectly natural process? Politics, science, economics, art, love? Wouldn't it be interesting if we could all just exist in one singularity, flow through one frame of mind and time? Manipulation and greedy desire begone. Maybe it would make people more honest.

I wonder what it's like on the other side. Ignorance is bliss? Would that make cognition and awareness equal pain and suffering? If knowledge is power, and power corrupts, then knowledge is corruption? Lame syllogism, but it's something to turn over.

You know...this would be hilariously funny to talk about if I were high.